


Fistful of Love

by chocolatekiller (melonbutterfly)



Category: Twilight
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-19
Updated: 2009-11-19
Packaged: 2017-10-12 23:39:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 16,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/130419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melonbutterfly/pseuds/chocolatekiller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Alice had been the last one to join the Cullens? How would that have come to happen? Jasper and Alice, a different story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Prologue: In my arms

**Author's Note:**

> The title of the whole story is from the same-titled song by Antony And The Johnsons.  
> Title of Prologue inspired by Emily Wells' song "Mt Washington".

There was this face.

All she could see was this face, at first. Smooth but with scars at the jaw; little half-moons that gleamed silvery in the pale light. His eyes were a deep, warm amber that made her think of preserved insects and gold foil; his hair was of a lighter, soft honey-tone and fell into his face in unruly strands. He was saying something, but she couldn't hear; he was looking at someone, but she couldn't tear her eyes away from him.

She was captured, captured by this person, and then his eyes fixed on her and his whole face transformed, became warm and soft; his lips formed a name she couldn't hear. "Alice", he mouthed and came closer, reaching for her.

She wondered who that Alice-person was, and if she knew how lucky she was to be loved like that by this person.


	2. A Prologue: In my arms

She woke up.

That's all there was to it. She woke up. No pain ripped her from sleep—though a second after she had thought that, she wondered why it should have—nor did anything else, a noise or feeling, cause her to open her eyes. It was like her mind had subconsciously just decided that it was time to rise, and her body followed.

The first thing she saw was white; a white, unfamiliar ceiling. She turned her head and found she was in a just as white, just as unfamiliar room; clearly a hospital. There was a tube attached to a needle that was in her right arm and a bag that dripped clear liquid into the tube. Also, something plastic, like a pincer but not hurting, was on her index finger, the one of the same arm that had the needle in it. That needle gave her the creeps, and she quickly turned away, wondering what had happened to her. Why was she alone in this strange room? Why was she in hospital?

Quickly deciding that she was not going to move her right arm—that she wasn't even going to look at it again—she shifted and rolled onto her left elbow, trying to push herself into a sitting person, but her arm started trembling so much she quickly had to let herself fall onto her back again lest she do something that'd hurt her. Frustrated, she lifted her left arm and frowned at how hard it was shaking, how heavy her breathing suddenly was, as if she had done something extraordinarily straining and not simply tried to sit up.

She closed her eyes and tried to calm down again, wondering why she was here, what had happened and where her—

Her—

She didn't remember. Who was supposed to be with her when she was in hospital? Did she have a family? Why didn't she remember? What—

Her breathing sped up again when she realised that she didn't remember her own name.

"Come, Mary," the person she was supposed to call mother said with a bright, fake smile. Alice held back the automatic response that came to her mouth; 'I am not Mary. Do not call me Mary. That person that you remember, that wore my face in the past, is dead. My name is Alice.'

She wasn't supposed to be angry. She wasn't supposed to be resentful, and she wasn't supposed to hurt the persons she was related to, her 'family'. Her therapist had said so; "It's not their fault that you have amnesia, Mary-Alice. The six months you spent in coma were very hard for them, it'll take them time to adapt to the changes. Right now they're only happy they got their daughter back; the fact that you aren't the person you used to be hasn't sunken in yet. Give them time."

When was it going to sink in? It had been two months since she had woken up. Two months of listening to stories of this person 'Mary' that she was supposed to be, two months of physical therapy to regain her atrophied muscles, two months of too-bright-smiles, uncomfortable silences and shared glances behind her back when she said or did something 'Mary' wouldn't have done, when she reacted different.

She was supposed to become that person again, even if she'd never regain her memories. But from what she had heard, she didn't want to be 'Mary'. She didn't like that 'Mary'; that girl who had been resentful and angry and bitter, who was depressed and hid herself in her room. "You were kind of emo," her fourteen-years-old sister had said. "and kind of rocky. Strange friends. You'd always listen to this loud crap with those awful lyrics about how everyone hated you and nobody understood you. I didn't like you."

At least she had been honest. Blunt, but honest. Lucinda, her mother, wasn't. She'd always smile at her and treat her like a little girl; like she was stupid, as if she had lost her brain and not her memories. But what annoyed Alice the most was that she'd treat her amnesia as if it were some kind of illness, something that only had to be ignored and it'd go away. Who she probably liked best of their family was her father, though. He would rarely visit her, always being busy, but if he did, he'd call her Alice. He didn't smile at her—to be honest, it didn't seem like he was that interested in her at all; it felt more like he was just fulfilling his duty—but he didn't expect anything from her either, not that she was stupid nor that she did something 'right', exactly like 'Mary' would have done things.

Overall, Alice didn't feel like she had that much of a connection to her family. They weren't bad people, but she didn't feel the need to get to know them, didn't even want to. She hadn't told her therapist that; she probably should, but she wanted to keep something for herself. So far, everything she knew was knowledge that others had shared with her—except for the dreams and the little things she kept hidden.

The dreams.

Dreams of an amber-eyed, honey-haired young man who loved her and, more importantly, who she loved. Every time she went to sleep she'd get little glimpses of him; he'd look at her or talk to her or talk to someone else—he had something like a brother, though not related, with bronze hair and a mother with caramel, wavy hair and a very kind face and there were others she hadn't gotten to see yet—and sometimes he'd be alone, looking so sad and lost, it made her heart ache. Alice felt a deep longing and need in those dreams, like they weren't real; she yearned to get to that person and make the dreams become reality, but instinctively, she knew that she was not yet ready for that. Still, sometimes she couldn't help but make herself dream up a world where they were together somehow, but she knew she hadn't met him yet, that he wasn't a person from 'Mary's past. Somehow, the dreams told her that.

But the dreams of that man weren't the only dreams she had. She hadn't just one dream when she was asleep; she'd get hundreds of little glimpses and flickers, half of them starring that man and the other half totally random and mostly unrelated to anything, except for the fact that they were about people she knew, had met. And the fact that they all were about the future, things that hadn't happened yet but were going to happen, unless somebody changed something.

It was strange, but she was slowly starting to figure it out. She had dreamt that one of the nurses that came in the morning to take her blood pressure was going to cheat on her boyfriend because they were having a fight about money—but then that man she would have cheated on with had gotten a headache and not gone out that evening. Thus, they had not met and the nurse and her boyfriend had made up, and now the nurse was pregnant—though she didn't know that yet.

But Alice did, and it was so confusing and frustrating sometimes to know so much more about other people's lives than her own. But at least it gave her something to think about.

"Mary!", Lucinda exclaimed, and Alice blinked, emerging from her thoughts. "Your father won't wait forever, so hurry!"

Yeah. Father would "wait" for another good fifteen minutes before getting impatient; he was having an important phone call and thus rather busy. No need to hurry. But she couldn't very much tell Lucinda that, could she?

No. Alice sighed and quickly followed her 'mother'.


	3. Fistful of Love Chapter Two: I'll keep it warm, my love

She hadn't seen this coming.

No. This wasn't something she had seen and wanted to prevent or make happen; this was something that she hadn't known beforehand at all. She had had to try, guess for nights and nights until she knew exactly what to do and how to go about it.

And then Alice had made it happen.

It was for that honey-haired man; Jasper was his name, Jasper. She had been exhilarated for days after she had finally found out his name.

She also knew many more things about him now, and as she walked to sit in the car, her backpack clutched to her chest, she had to try really hard to keep herself from skipping. Her family was by now used to her not being unhappy, but they still reacted strange when she was openly in a good mood. Besides, they weren't supposed to know how happy she was about this move.

They couldn't. They couldn't know that it was Alice that had gently nudged her mother into the right direction so that she'd get that job offer; Alice that had subtly prepared her sister so she wouldn't be too averse to leaving, Alice that had made sure her father felt bad for having that affair with his secretary—all the factors that had in the end led to her parents making the decision that Lucinda was going to take the job offer and they would move. Alice sighed and turned to stare out of the window, not seeing the landscape that was flying by on their long way towards Biloxi, one of the rainiest places in the United States.

Where Jasper was. Jasper and his family. The Cullens.

She dare think she knew everything relevant about them by now. It had been three months since she had been let out of the hospital, and that meant many, many dreams. She still couldn't hear sound, but she was good enough at lip-reading now to know their names. Carlisle, Esme, Edward, Bella, Emmett, Rosalie—and Jasper.

Her Jasper.

The Cullens. A family of vegetarian vampires that currently resided in Biloxi, the village where her mother's architect firm had a small daughter firm that her mother was supposed to lead.

Alice didn't know much else. She had seen Jasper and the others hunt—Emmett seemed to have a thing for bear, while Edward more went for big cats—and she had seen them do the little things they liked to do. The others she only saw when Jasper was there, but they were a family and because he was the only one without a significant other the others tried to not make him feel left out. Meaning; they made a point of spending time with him, of trying not to leave him out of anything. It made Alice's skin tickle with the need to go and cradle him to her chest, make him feel her warmth and know that he wasn't alone anymore.

Soon.

She sighed and leant back.


	4. Fistful of Love Chapter Three: Before we got out

The school was buzzing with the news of the new girl. Edward had seen her face countless times in the minds of the students who had seen her; had heard so many thoughts about her—everything from admiration of her physics to jealousy about the same and the attention she got—and wasn't curious at all to meet her. His siblings weren't, either; only Rosalie was mildly interested, but then again, she had a thing for gossip. He had told her already that she, while pretty, was nothing special, but humans usually weren't anyway. She was curiously small—actually, with her slim hips and flexibility, she looked like it would only take a strong wind and she'd get blown away—but that was about it. Edward wasn't interested at all.

Which is why he barely noticed when she entered the cafeteria; it was impossible for him not to notice somebody coming close, but he felt no motivation to try to hear her thoughts, and so he didn't. Until somebody said their name; Edward always inwardly perked up when they did. It was his unofficial job to pay attention to everything people said about them, in case something got out and they had to leave quickly. That hadn't happened so often yet unless accidents were involved, but they couldn't be too careful.

"Oh, that's the Cullens," Jessica Stampson said, fake indifference in her voice. Edward noticed his siblings inwardly perking up as well; they were all now listening in to the conversation.

The new girl, Alice was her name, tilted her head. There was something strange about her thoughts; she was looking at them, he knew, but he couldn't hear anything of what he was used to—stuff along the lines of "Oh, beautiful"; stuff like what people like Jessica, who was now explaining about their family in a hushed tone, usually thought. There were tiny flickers of thoughts, but they were gone too quickly for him to catch them. That was peculiar, but not too worrying; he had learned that people with low attention spans—usually children, the younger, the more prominent this trait—were like that. It meant that she probably wasn't too intelligent, which was affirmed by the fact that she actually was one year too old to be in senior year; she had had to repeat a year. But, of course, on that subject he shouldn't judge, since he most certainly was too old to go to school as well.

So, Edward was just about to cast her aside inwardly with the label "stupid" when she had a real, concrete thought that almost felt loud after he had tried to listen to her and got only empty flickers. She thought, _they're not eating their chocolate puddings_.

"Why didn't they eat their chocolate puddings?", she asked loudly, and her voice was melodious, soft but not weak. She was now thinking about the chocolate pudding—and, to be frank, what the fuck?—and that she wanted to have it.

Jessica blinked and thought _What?_ Then she shrugged, puzzled, and said "I don't know. They…" she paused to think about it and furrowed her brows when she, for the first time, noticed that the Cullens didn't seem to ever eat. Edward silently cursed Alice and hoped Jessica wouldn't spread that new peculiarity. "Uhm, they never eat, I think."

"Hm," Alice said and thought, _If they're not eating it that means I could have it, right? Well, I'm only going to find out if I ask._ "I'm going to ask if I can have it if they don't want it," she said loudly and got up, ignoring Jessica's dumbfounded expression. Jessica had tried to flirt with Jasper before, but Jasper had quickly led her onto a different path, giving her a feeling of calm indifference towards them. Her natural pleasure in gossip didn't stop her from talking about them, but at least she wouldn't bother any of them.

Obviously, this couldn't be said about the new girl. She was making her way towards them, watched by a few people from the corners of their eyes and scrutinised by Edward and his siblings, though they appeared to be totally unaware of her impending arrival.

"Hey!", she said when she reached their table, looking at Bella. "Are you going to eat that?" she pointed to the chocolate pudding, and Bella tilted her head, smiling friendly. "No, you can have it." The girl gave her a beaming smile. "Thank you!" Then she turned to Edward, who saw her intention in her thoughts; she planned to ask all of them for their chocolate puddings. Chocolate puddings. Apparently, she was as naïve as he had thought.

"Can I have yours too?"

Edward shrugged and gave the pudding a tiny nudge, earning a beaming smile, and watched as she made her way around the table, next asking Jasper, who nodded, then Rosalie, who gave her one long look and then huffed, turning away. Alice wasn't fazed by that at all and took it as agreement, taking the pudding, and then turned to Emmett, giving him the puppy dog look. Emmett melted on the spot—though of course he didn't show it—and gave her his chocolate pudding without a fuss. Alice, beaming inside and out, twittered a "Thank you!" and almost danced back to her table, chocolate puddings in her arms. Inwardly shaking his head, Edward paid half-attention to her thoughts, but there was nothing unusual. She seemed to be pretty shallow, thinking about those awesome puddings, the prettiness of Lauren's hair, the smell of the rain, the greenness of the woods… nothing interesting. Nothing dangerous. No special need to watch her.

Alice closed the door of her new room behind her and only then allowed herself to relax. It had been _so_ hard to try to keep her thoughts flat and shallow, not diving into anything interesting at all, for several hours without pause. But she couldn't take any risks; Edward couldn't find out about her ability and that she knew what and who they were, or they'd leave. She had dreamt it the first night here in Biloxi; had seen them pack their things and leave before she had had a chance to talk to them, to even see them for a second time. So, she had taken great care and practiced being inconspicuous in her head, which was a lot harder than it seemed. She really wasn't used to watching her thoughts.

But she had to, for Jasper.

She had seen him—really, honestly seen him—for the first time, and in reality he was even more dazzling than in her slightly-fuzzy-around-the-edges dreams. He was _gorgeous_.

And he was sad, bitter and melancholic; even more so than she had seen in her dreams.

Oh, not that he was really obvious with it. Around his siblings—especially Edward, probably—he took great care to only seem indifferent, but sometimes, during class, he slipped a little and Alice, who was paying attention to him all the time, sometimes could only barely stop her impulse to go and hug him, make him feel better somehow. No matter whether he'd think her strange or push her away; he just should see that there was someone who noticed, who wanted him to be happy.

But she had to be careful there too. He couldn't feel her deep affection—she didn't dare call it love yet—for him, and with his ability, he would. So she had to not only watch her thoughts, but her feelings as well; no wonder she had had headaches every time she got home from school the whole week.

And to be honest, she was rather proud of what she had accomplished; nobody had any suspicions. Edward and Jasper probably joked about her shallowness and how naïve she had to be to feel such affection during class—probably for the cute little birds outside, or the pretty pictures in her book—but they didn't suspect anything, and that was the only thing she wanted.


	5. Interlude: I'd give you anything if you could understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired by The Dresden Dolls' song "The Perfect Fit".

Jasper watched Alice "the girl", as they had dubbed her, gather the woodruff jelly she had gotten from them into her arms and skip away; how she always managed that without dropping everything was a constant source of wonder to him.

A lot about her was. Edward said she was pretty shallow; so shallow that he sometimes wondered how she'd made it through high school, that she was naïve and rather stupid, like a child. She was able to concentrate better but that was about it, he said.

Jasper sometimes agreed, and other times… he wondered. He shared a few classes with her—more than the others, because they went to classes in pairs most of the time and Jasper had most of his classes alone so the amount of Cullens in one class wouldn't confuse the teachers—and the affection that wafted off her seemed to prove Edward right. But sometimes, he sensed other things from her; a melancholy and loneliness that almost matched his own, and that just didn't fit the picture Edward had painted of her. Someone shallow, someone naïve who adored little birds and pretty flowers didn't suddenly feel like that; not that strong. Confusing was also how forceful she'd push those feelings down; like she was trying to hide them from herself.

Curious.

Jasper watched Alice "the girl" relish in the jelly they had given her and couldn't hide the feeling that there had to be something more about her, something they didn't know yet.


	6. Chapter Four: Time keeps rolling away

When someone drove up the way to the Cullen's house in the middle of the night and rang the door, the first thing they did was to run into their rooms and quickly change into pyjamas. Esme mussed up Carlisle's hair and Rosalie dragged up some bathrobe from somewhere; from the TV she knew that people wore those over their pyjamas when they had to open their door in the middle of the night. The rest of the family stayed in their rooms, trying to pretend they were sleeping while listening closely to what was going on. Carlisle wasn't the only one who wished Edward and Bella hadn't gone to hunt at this of all the nights.

Carlisle opened the door and saw nothing. Of course he smelled her, and so he looked down, down, down at a rather small and petite girl with messy, black, short hair and a very anxious expression. She was also clad in bathrobe and pyjama.

"Carlisle!", she cried the moment she saw him and took a few quick steps towards him. "Quick, where is Edward?"

Slightly confused that a girl he had never seen knew his name and would speak to him like he knew her—and that in the middle of the night; people usually didn't do stuff like that—Carlisle raised an eyebrow and said gently, "He isn't there. How can I help you?"

She didn't look like she thought he was an adequate replacement for Edward; she paled so quickly he feared she would faint; her heart rate increased and she took a few calming breaths, expression turning desperate.

"Okay, please, you have to believe me; you have to take Esme away from here quickly."

Now Carlisle frowned. That she knew his name, okay, not so unusual; he was, after all, a doctor and the adoptive father of the children she probably went to school with; it was nothing new that people talked about them. But they very, very rarely talked about Esme, simply because she wasn't seen too often.

"Carlisle, please!", she took a step closer. "There is no time to explain! I know all about you and your family and what you are, so there is no reason to pretend", her gaze flickered towards upstairs, where the rest of his family were listening, "but you have to take her away quickly. There is an architect's convention in Toronto starting tomorrow; you can pretend she has gone there, but _she has to be away from here_."

Very worried, even more confused and possibly even slightly scared, Carlisle's frown deepened. He was still stuck on the 'I know all about you' part. "You-", he started, but she interrupted him, visibly turning more and more anxious. "No, you don't understand; Aro is on the way. He's coming here to visit you, and Marcus is with him, and when Marcus sees Esme… he will think she is Didyme, his mate who is dead, and-" she shook her head. "You've got to bring her away, quickly, and you can't go with her or Aro and Marcus might follow you!"

"What-" somebody said; too quickly for her to see, Jasper had sped down to them the moment she had mentioned Aro. The others were coming down more slowly, warily and highly suspicious.

The girl whirled around, but she didn't seem startled; rather, she appeared to be growing desperate. "Jasper, please! You can tell I'm not lying, can you? Can you feel it?" She took a step towards him.

Jasper seemed conflicted whether to admit to his ability or pretend he didn't know what she was talking about; Carlisle knew all about how he felt. "You-", he started and stopped, not knowing what to say.

"Please," she said, and a tear slid down her cheek. "If Edward were here, he could read my thoughts, but you can at least tell what I'm feeling, can you?"

Slowly, warily, Jasper shook his head. "Lying is not a feeling. It's a mix. And with what you're feeling, I can't tell. Theoretically, you could be lying."

She shook her head. "I'm not. Look, I know about you and I know about Edward and I know that you're vegetarian vampires; I've known all along, and I know about the Volturi and their role; I know their names. Why would I know all that and come to you and lie, when I know Edward could call me on it if he were here? And I didn't know he wasn't here, I didn't."

Carlisle took an unnecessary breath. "So how do you know all this, and how do you know Aro and Marcus will come here and Marcus will mistake Esme for Didyme?"

She looked at him and bit her lip. "The dreams. Ever since I woke up from coma seven months ago, I have been having dreams every night. Dreams about the future. I dream about everyone vaguely close to me. And tonight I dreamt that Aro and Marcus were going to visit and Marcus would think that Esme-" she bit her lip. "I only know it's going to happen tonight; it was one of those dreams that feel like fast-decisions. Aro didn't intend to visit you—that's why you have to hurry; I don't know the exact time they will arrive, and-" she apparently noticed that she didn't have the complete attention of everyone anymore and tensed. "What is it? Are they coming?"

For a moment, nobody replied until Jasper explained "No, that's Edward and Bella." He was nearly swept away by the wave of relief he got from Alice.

It took only two minutes until they arrived; Edward had sped up the moment he got the first flicker of thought from them. He was frowning heavily, no doubt having heard his family's thoughts already, and Alice's as well. The moment she saw him, she looked him in the eye and nearly overthrew him with the wave of thoughts she sent at him. The others watched as his eyes widened slightly; a moment later he frowned, and then he did something Edward very, very rarely did; he cursed. "Esme," he hissed. "You have to leave, quickly. You can leave all your stuff here, they won't notice. You should take someone with you; Emmett and-" he quickly glanced at Alice, who had remained silent but apparently thought something significant, for Edward's yaw clenched and he nodded slightly. "Yes. Rosalie. You should take Rosalie with you. We'll tell them she wanted to do some shopping. When they're gone we'll call you." Then he replied to something someone had thought; "Because if it's more than two, they may decide to go after you for a visit still."

"So she's real?", Rosalie asked, an eyebrow raised, while Carlisle went over to pull Esme into his arms, a worried frown marring his features.

Edward nodded. "As real as can be. I don't know how she managed to hide it from me for so long-" apparently Alice told him silently and he shook his head, seeming dryly amused. "Of course. I should have expected there was something wrong with you; no mentally healthy person that age could be that flat."

Alice replied silently, and he raised an eyebrow. "What would have been so bad about that?"

She blushed, and Edward became still for a second. He was staring at her intently as if he was searching for something, and then he shook his head.

Finally turning her gaze away from Edward, Alice took a quick glance at the family. Emmett was wearing an unhappy expression while Rosalie stroked his cheek and explained something to him too low for her to hear; Carlisle and Esme seemed to be busy in their own little world, both worried; Edward was explaining to the very confused Bella what was going on, and Jasper… Jasper was looking at her, a strange expression on his face. He looked very lonely in that moment, with the rest of his family being with their significant other; how she longed to go over and-

Edward threw her a dry and vaguely annoyed glance and Alice pictured herself poking her tongue at him, causing him to snort. Then she took a deep breath and said, "Well, I'll be going then. I'm sorry for popping in here just like that." She was about to turn away when Bella said something that captured everyone's attention. "Won't Aro notice her smell?"

Alice was confused. She was aware vampires could smell blood—she wasn't stupid, after all—but why would Aro smell her when she wasn't there anymore?

"Smell lingers, Alice," Edward explained tiredly. "That's why dogs can trace someone's footsteps even after they've been gone for hours."

She frowned. "Oh. And… why is it bad he can smell I was here? Can't I just be some girl from school, a friend of Bella, or something?"

"We've never made human friends," Bella explained quietly. "There is no use, we can't stay in one place for more than four, maybe five years. This break from routine could make him suspicious." She shuddered. "And you don't want Aro suspicious."

Alice bit her lip. Edward furrowed his brows and said, "That might work. Jasper, can you put her to sleep?"

The next moment, a wave of sleepy calmness crashed over her that was so strong she immediately collapsed. The last thing she heard before her conscious faded was a soft "woops"; something cold and hard suddenly was in her back, but she was gone.

When she woke up, it didn't feel natural. It felt more like waking up from narcosis, which was reasonable since she hadn't been in natural sleep. She opened her eyes and sat up, but her arms felt like they were still asleep. Something cold—someone cold took hold of her shoulders, and she blinked and looked around, finding she was sitting on one of those sofas without a back, and Bella was helping her sit upright. Jasper was sitting at the end of the sofa; he had probably woken her up after she had dreamed what she needed to dream.

"Well, that was interesting," someone said; Edward was standing by the open door, leaning against the wall. The next moment Emmett and Carlisle appeared in the door, both not seeming to be too happy with the situation. Esme and Rosalie had probably already left.

"So, what did she see?", Emmett asked, and Alice felt a spark of annoyance. She could very well speak for herself, thank you.

Edward raised an amused eyebrow and made some kind of bow, gesturing towards her; it felt ironic, somehow, and she pursed her lips. "He's going to ask how I look. Then he'll ask Jasper to show him, Bella will try to shield him—for privacy's sake, she'll say when Aro asks—but because she doesn't know his thoughts, it doesn't really work. Whole thing blows up."

Emmett frowned, but before any of them could say something, Edward tensed up and hissed. "They're on their way. It's too late."

"Well, then Alice is a friend of Bella's who is here for a sleep-over," Carlisle decided. "We all need to go and pretend we're asleep."

"Too late," Edward whispered, sounding exhausted. Then he said something so quiet Alice couldn't hear, but she knew what it was anyway—she had dreamt. And from that dream, she knew what to do.

She turned to look at Jasper and let her mind run, trying to make herself as happy as possible. The second before Jasper turned to look at her, puzzled with the sudden surge of happiness and affection she felt, she closed her eyes, hoping that way, he wouldn't notice who she was thinking about.

All she was concentrating on now were her dreams; her dreams and memories and her other dreams, all about and of Jasper. Faintly, she heard a knock at the door and then voices, but she had seen all that in her dream already and so didn't pay special attention. She thought about Jasper's face; the way he smiled at Bella and how peaceful his face had looked when he had been lying in the sun, head in Esme's lap, both glittering like marble statues. She thought about how she wanted him to look like; happy and, if not carefree, at least unworried; not melancholic and a little bitter.

When the moment was there—when Aro in the other room said with a soft voice "And who's that little human girl in the other room?"—she opened her eyes and smiled.


	7. Chapter Five: My love, don't worry

To say Bella was nervous would have been an understatement—and then again, it wasn't. If it weren't for Jasper, she'd probably be shaking like a leaf, but their brother did his best to calm them all down, and he did a good job. But the bigger the group, the harder it was, she knew that.

Besides, he surely was worried too. All of them were; who wouldn't be with Aro standing in the room, paying them a visit while they had a pretty and very human girl sitting in the next room? Aro certainly wouldn't hesitate to bite her if he felt like it; he knew little restraint, after all.

But she didn't show any of that. Edward had told her—all of them—that it would be fine; apparently, he had seen something in Alice's dreams but hadn't had the time to explain. Still, he didn't seem too relaxed either, and that worried her even more.

If it weren't for Jasper. Without Jasper, she wouldn't have managed to smile so calm and unrestrained when Carlisle introduced her to Aro; without him, she certainly wouldn't have managed to give a little bow and wouldn't have made it through the small talk so smoothly. But even Jasper couldn't calm her when Aro asked after Alice.

They all heard her get up and take the two, three steps from the chaise longue to the door; she poked her head into the room, and Bella had to work really hard to keep her face smooth and expressionless. Alice looked slightly flushed and wore a happy smile, and then she did something that would have caused Bella's heart to stop would it still be beating—she beamed at Aro as if he were a long lost friend, exclaimed "Aro!" in a happy voice and all but skipped over to him. Aro looked surprised, but returned the smile, raised an eyebrow when she reached for him. A little slowly, he reached for her as well and Alice, smiling softly, took his hand.

Immediately, Aro's eyes fell shut and Edward next to her winced a little with the flood of information that crashed into Aro and him. Bella quickly put her arm around his waist but hesitated to shield him; it might be important to see what Aro was seeing, and it certainly was important to keep track of the vampire's thoughts in case he decided to make Alice his next meal after all.

Aro opened his eyes again, not dropping her hand, and said very softly and, Bella barely believed it, _tenderly,_ "Is that so."

Alice's smile didn't waver, and Aro gave a slight nod; Bella realised they must be communicating somehow.

"You certainly are a sweet girl," Aro said after another moment of looking at her, reading her, and Alice blushed. "Thank you."

He smiled and leant towards her, and everyone in the room except Marcus, Aro and Alice tensed up. From the corner of her eyes, Bella saw Edward turn his head towards Jasper, but she was too mortified with what was going to happen; it certainly looked like Aro had decided that Alice would be a rather tasty midnight snack.

But everything he did was lean over her and then he kissed her forehead. Alice looked up at him from between her lashes, blushing even more, and Aro gave her a fatherly—and wasn't that an awful picture—pat on the head. Then he stepped away, dropping her hand, and looked around the room, not commenting on how they all slowly relaxed. "I'm sorry for the inconvenience, Carlisle," he said, sounding honestly sorry and vaguely melancholic; his eyes flickered towards Marcus and by the flicker she thought she saw in his eyes, Bella got the impression he was with Marcus for more than mere convenience and habit. "We must be on our way now; I'm hungry and I wouldn't want to inconvenience you even more." Marcus immediately made his way out the door and Aro followed him; when he was almost out of the room he turned around again and grinned at Alice; it looked boyish and carefree, and it gave Bella the creeps. From the look of him, one would never guess what Aro did to humans without a second thought. "Call me when it blends, sweetie."

Alice blinked. "I don't have your number."

He smirked, said "We're in the telephone book", waved and was gone. Bella heard him and Marcus speed away through the woods; she listened to the sound of their fading steps until they became too quiet.

"Wow, that was macabre," Emmett said, shaking his head before he grinned. "Rosalie will hate to have missed that."

Edward snorted. "She'll be glad when she hears what would have happened hadn't they left." They continued to banter, releasing the tension and relaxing themselves and their family, but Bella didn't pay attention. She quickly walked over to Alice, who suddenly looked very tired and drained. "Can I go home now?", she asked in a small voice, and Bella really wanted to reach out and pull the poor girl into her arms, but she knew her touch would be cold and hard and not at all comfortable to the human.

"You're not fit to drive," Edward said. "I'll drive you home." Not waiting for anyone's reaction, he walked over to Alice and offered her his arm; she smiled weakly and took it. Before he led her outside, he turned towards his family. "I'll explain everything when I get back."


	8. Interlude: Big My Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired by the same-titled song by Michael Nyman.

Jasper stared at the door that Edward had closed after himself and Alice and tried to tune down the irrational annoyance he felt.

The previous situation with Aro coming for a surprise visit and Alice still being there had been straining and precarious; he had had a hard time trying to keep everyone as calm as possible, and everyone's emotions had been influencing his own as well. Of all persons present, Marcus and Aro had been the most relaxing; Marcus had been like a pool of ever-present indifference, and Aro had—strangely enough—been emitting a mix of love and cheerfulness, later on intermixed with worry, sympathy, pity and even sadness. After all Jasper had heard about him, it had been highly confusing, to say the least. He had thought Aro would be—pardon the pun—a highly inhuman person, dangerous and cold. That hadn't been the case.

But all that was overshadowed by his own strong feelings; the tense worry he had felt from the moment on he had realised Aro and Alice would meet; Aro with deep red eyes and no scruples towards eating humans. Then there had been the deep affection Alice had felt; it had highly confused him and, to be honest, he had even been jealous; why would she feel like that when she was going to meet Aro? That couldn't be true, and there had been something deeper lying in there, he had seen that when she had relaxed after Aro and Marcus had been gone. But he didn't know what, and for some reason, he really really wanted to.


	9. Chapter Six: So we drive out

"So what do you want me to tell them?", Edward asked the moment they were out of vampire hearing range.

 _You can tell them our whole conversation, but please, keep Jasper out._ , Alice replied. Even her thoughts sounded tired.

"Alright. But I can tell them about Marcus' reaction towards Esme?"

 _Of course_.

"What about when they ask why you never told any of us that you know?"

 _I didn't want to inconvenience you. I know a lot about a lot of people; more than I should, more than I want to, certainly more than they'd want to. If I had let you know that I'm aware of your secret, you would have left_   
_. There was no reason to; I wouldn't have told anyone about you anyway._

That would probably work. Certainly if Edward told them; they all trusted him beyond a doubt. He wouldn't be lying either; he'd only leave out the part where her feelings for Jasper had added to her motivation of hiding her knowing about him, them. It was her secret to tell, he had no right to spill it just because he could read thoughts. And he was used to leaving out things.

Suddenly it dawned to Edward that Alice knew exactly how he felt. She dreamt about everyone vaguely close to her; sometimes even about people she had only crossed paths with once. She had to have an awful amount of dreams each night; the ten minutes Jasper had put her to sleep in their living room she had had already four (one about Aro's reaction to them claiming Alice was a friend, one about Jasper frowning at him, Edward, another one about the tripper a girl at school had caught at just that moment (and that really wasn't something Edward wanted to know), and the last one about how she'd greet Aro; that one probably had come because they had let her sleep too long and there was no time to drive her away anymore). So, Alice knew many, many secrets about everyone she encountered; just like he did. And she knew what it was like to keep those things for herself, what it was like to stand by and just watch. Only, for her it was a lot harder; her relations with her family weren't tight at all, from what he had seen when she had given Aro her memories. Her father was always gone, her mother pretended she was someone she wasn't, and her sister didn't care. She had no friends either. She was lonely.

Edward sighed and reached out; she opened her eyes and blinked in confusion when he took her hand and pressed it for just a moment before letting go again.

She smiled, and suddenly she felt lighter.

 _Thank you_.

He didn't reply, and they drove in silence for a while, her thoughts sluggish, until she wondered where they'd go now.

"Go? Why would we go?"

 _Because I know about you_ , she replied, confused.

Edward frowned. "I'm not sure we'll actually leave. You helped us, after all, and we only have one, maybe two years left before we have to leave anyway."

Alice blinked, and then very suddenly she brightened, a slight blush returning to her formerly pale cheeks. Amused, Edward heard her little inward happy dance when she realised she'd be able to ogle Jasper some more.

They drove the rest of the way in silence. When Edward parked the car—her mother's car that she had practically stolen because it had blocked her own car—sundown just started to peek over the top of the trees, turning the sky a lighter and lighter blue.

Edward waited until he heard her slip into bed and then think _Good night, Edward. Tell them I'm sorry for the trouble, will you?,_ to him before he ran home.


	10. Chapter Seven: We wandered through

Emmett was sitting on the floor, leaning back onto his hands and waiting for Rose to get back. After Edward and Alice had left, the first thing they—or rather, Carlisle—had done was call Esme and Rosalie; they'd be back in about an hour. He couldn't wait to tell her about everything that had happened; from what he knew—and Carlisle wasn't too keen on talking about that, so it wasn't much—Aro was a dangerous guy and the Volturi certainly were very powerful and you better not make them your enemy. But from what he had seen, the Italian certainly hadn't seemed so terrifying, which naturally made him all the more dangerous; the most innocent looking ones always turned out to be the most dangerous, after all.

What interested him more, though, was that cute little girl, Alice. He hadn't been aware she was of any interest at all; sure, he had willingly given her his dessert when she gave him a cute pout and a meltworthy puppy-dog-look; she was very good at that. It made him want to pat her—like Aro had—and give her all the desserts in the world. And then, suddenly she popped up in the middle of the night and blathered something about the Volturi and Esme being in danger, and then Edward told them she was speaking the truth. Why hadn't he known about any of that before? He could read thoughts, after all.

Emmett shook his head. It was certainly all very confusing, but it had gone well, so no need to worry anymore.

Now only Jasper had to calm down, who was standing tense as a puma the second before he attacked. Emmett certainly had no idea what was troubling him so, but Jasper was often troubled, so that was nothing unusual. He was just about to instigate some banter or maybe a little fight when he heard Edward approaching; they all heard and waited for their brother to come back.

"She wants me to tell you she's really sorry for barging in on us like that, and for troubling us," Edward said after he entered the room and kissed Bella on the cheek.

"Troubling?" Bella frowned and absently took Edwards hand. "Why would she think that? I thought she actually did us a favour."

Edward nodded. "She did. But she also thinks that now we've gotten an awful impression of her, and she kind of regrets having barged in like that."

To that, Emmett could only snort. "That's stupid. She did us a favour. Who cares about how she went about it?"

"I agree." Bella nodded. "We should thank her."

"Yes, we should," Carlisle agreed.

"I think it's a good idea Edward tells us what we're thanking her for before we actually do so," Jasper not-quite-snapped; they all knew he was rather tense from having tried to keep them all relaxed, so nobody thought bad of him for it.

Emmett nodded. "I'd like to know as well. What happened when she touched that guy?" He looked expectantly at Edward, who intertwined his fingers with Bella's and started to explain.

"Well, as you all know, when someone touches Aro, he can see their whole lives. Alice especially showed him her dream about Marcus and his reaction towards Esme; she was honestly not only worried for Esme, but also for Marcus. She knows he's a very, very sad person and in her dream she had seen him destroying himself in the face of Esme, who resembles his dead mate so much. That's why Aro called her a sweet girl; he cares for Marcus and was touched—at least as far as Aro can be touched—that she would worry about him even though she had no relation to him at all, not even indirectly, like she has with Esme. He thanked her for her consideration and for telling him; from now on, he's going to make sure Marcus never gets to see Esme. His apology was real; he really was sorry that he caused this much trouble." Edward tilted his head. "As you all saw, he now has a thing for Alice."

 _What kind of thing?_ , Jasper snarled inwardly—even Emmett could hear—and Edward explained without making it obvious whose question he was answering, even though they all knew. "He views her like... maybe like a little sister. Or rather, like someone he not actually owes a debt to, but who he'd maybe do a favour for without asking for what he'd get in return. He finds her entertaining; her ability is interesting, and her personality certainly is as well. She amuses him; you could say he's honestly fond of her."

"What about the fact that she's human and knows about us?", Carlisle implored, brows furrowed in worry. "Normally, he would have her killed; maybe he'd negotiate with letting someone turn her, but he wouldn't have allowed a human to know and live."

Edward hesitated for just a second, but they all noticed. "He saw her thoughts. He saw how long she's known and that she's never told anyone, nor does she ever intend to, accidently or not. He… trusts her."

Edward was leaving something out, and they all knew it—but none of them asked. Jasper looked like he really, really wanted to, but he, like all of them, was used to Edward keeping secrets.

Emmett sighed and hoped Rosalie would be back soon.


	11. Chapter Eight: If I could sleep forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired by the song "Sleep" by the Dandy Warhols.

The day that followed the night of Aro's impromptu visit, Alice came to school looking very much like a zombie, and not in the pretty way the Cullens did. Jessica kindly informed her with honest shock in her voice that she looked like "someone that died three days ago", and Alice couldn't even appreciate the irony that she looked alive more dead than those who actually were. Edward sent her a look of amused sympathy when she thought that, and she managed a tired smile. It was very good her secret was out; she certainly wouldn't have managed to keep track of her thoughts in the state she was in now. She only managed to survive lessons by huge amounts of coffee that she, insightful that she was, had brought with her in two thermos flasks, with giant amounts of sugar and no milk. She usually hated the taste of coffee; it was bitter and not at all pleasant. But that only helped keep her awake now, so she probably should be thankful.

During lunch break, she didn't even have the energy to go and collect the Cullens' desserts; she just put her arms on the table and let her head fall into them. When the chatter of the people she sat with around her died out, she managed to drag her head up and saw Bella, who had the sugared strawberries that were today's dessert in her arms. "Thought you'd want them," she said and smiled, and Alice smiled back. "Thank you," she said and, without raising her head further, blindly reached for a spoon that someone dutifully put into her searching hand. Bella placed the strawberries on the table in front of her and left again with a little wave, and Alice, feeling a little more awake, started to eat.

Five days after the Aro-incident, as Alice now dubbed it, Emmett approached her.

It was after school; Alice was sitting on the backseat of her car, not feeling like driving home yet. She liked the peace she had in her car; it was very much the only place she'd be alone in. Of course, generally she preferred school; she wasn't alone there, but Jasper was there, and that outweighed being alone anytime. Besides, her family wasn't at school just as much as they weren't in her car.

So she sat there, enjoying the pitter-patter of the rain on her roof and her newest book; Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. She had watched the movie the previous week-end—once she'd slept off the Aro-incident, of course—and had really enjoyed Elizabeth's wit. And she was in the midst of enjoying it even more when someone knocked on her window, startling her so much she almost dropped her book. Annoyed, she turned her head and there stood Emmett, puppy-dog-eyes and a charming, apologising smile on his lips.

Alice sighed and leant over to open the door for him before making room for his big form.

"You're making my car wet," she complained when Emmett sat next to her and closed the door after him.

"So sorry," the vampire replied. He didn't look like it; rather, he was beaming. Alice waited for a moment for him to explain what he wanted from her, but he didn't say anything more, just grinned widely at her, obviously happy to be with her.

"…what is it?", she asked after a while, tilting her head a little. Of course she already knew what he wanted; she had dreamt it. But she was trying very hard to appear to be normal, and that meant she had to have no idea why Emmett was in her car, excited and happy.

"I come to invite you over for dinner as a thank you for saving Esme from the greedy grasp of Marcus the vampire," Emmett stated proudly, and Alice smiled widely. "As long as something else but me is on the menu," she replied.

"Of course!" Emmett pouted, looking almost affronted. "You know we're vegetarian."

"Yes, and I still haven't gotten over the irony of calling yourself vegetarian when all you eat is animals." Alice laughed and leant over to Emmett. "Sorry, I couldn't help it. Now, I'd love to have dinner with you, but I imagine it'll be pretty boring for you to sit and watch me eat, won't it? Do you even have a kitchen? So why don't we go and do something all of you will enjoy?"

Emmett furrowed his brow. "I thought it's custom to invite someone for dinner who has done you a favour."

"Yes, but I haven't exactly done you a favour because you didn't really ask for my help; rather; I made you a gift, so you can give me something back."

Emmett looked around the car. "I'd give you a car, but Edward said you'd take it personal."

Alice huffed, mock-affronted. "Nothing against my bumblebee! Don't worry, honey, he didn't mean it." She patted the armrest next to her before turning back towards the big vampire. "You could give me a book, or something. I'm sure Edward can figure something out."

"A book for Esme?" Emmett furrowed his brows. "I don't think that's an equal exchange. No, that's not fair. You sure you don't want a dinner?"

Alice shook her head. She had caught a glimpse of how that dinner would be like; awkward was a word too weak to describe it. She, sitting at one end of the table with a plate in front of her and the Cullens sitting around the table and watching her. Not really her idea of a nice evening.

Emmett pouted. "Edward didn't say you'd say no."

"That's because he didn't know. I kept it from him." Alice winked. "I wanted to talk to you."

"What? Why?" Emmett tilted his head.

Alice shrugged. "I like you. It was more about the company than the talk itself."

Emmett beamed and patted her arm. "Aww. I like your company too. Now, what would you like to get?"

"Emmett, to be honest, I don't want anything at all. I didn't come to you because I thought I'd get something in return, I only wanted to help. I know you want to give me something back, and I'll allow you to because I know you need to, as well, but there's nothing I expect. A book is perfectly fine. What I don't want is something one of you won't be comfortable with."

 _We_ _have to pay her back_ , Rosalie had said.

 _I want to thank her_ , Esme had said.

 _We can't stay indebted to her_ , Jasper had said. _I want to get over this madness_ , he had thought. _I_ _want to forget the silly human girl_ , he had meant.

It still hurt like hell.

"Ask Edward, he'll know what I'd enjoy," she said and ushered Emmett out of her car, following him out into the rain. She closed the door behind them and her gaze fell on Edward who was leaning against the car Emmett would drive home with. His eyes bore into hers, and she knew he had heard the whole conversation, and her thoughts. She smiled sadly.

 _I knew he doesn't feel anything for me_ , she thought to him. _That doesn't mean my feelings will stop._

But it doesn't mean it hurts any less.

She waved at Emmett and got into her car. _Just find something that'll satisfy them, and if it's a week-end trip to Paris_ , she told Edward and drove to the house she lived in.


	12. Interlude: Vocalise

"Will you finally admit it to yourself?", Edward burst out, totally frustrated. It was very, very unusual for him to lose his composure like that, and Esme immediately knew something was about to happen. Quickly, she made her way over to Jasper's room, where Edward stood in the door, annoyance wafting off him in waves so strong even she, without any gift, could feel it. Esme had known something was going on with her blond-haired son; she had also known that Edward was getting more and more frustrated. Bella would shield him whenever she could, but at school that was impossible because Edward needed to listen for what people said about them, and this week-end she had gone with Rosalie for a shopping trip to New York.

And apparently, Edward had enough.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Jasper said stubbornly, and Edward snarled and jumped him—not with the intent to fight; he just took hold of Jasper's face and _pushed_. Inwardly, not outwards.

Esme didn't know what he was doing and, anxious with the thought of her boys fighting, she took a few steps into the room, hoping she'd be able to help or mend somehow. Behind her in the door stood Carlisle, waiting and watching, and Emmett, silent for once, was next to him, watching the still pair as well.

"Stop!", Jasper hissed and tried to twist out of Edward's grip, but his brother had no intention of letting him off the hook; he merely closed his eyes and continued whatever he was doing. Esme could only guess; it had most likely something to do with Jasper's gift, empathy.

"Stop!", Jasper said loudly, a touch of desperation in his voice already, and Esme sank to her knees a few steps away from them, growing more anxious when Jasper started to try to get away from Edward in earnest. But the moment he almost succeeded, Edward let go on his own and lunged forward before Jasper could react, flinging his arms around Jasper's neck in a strange embrace, and then he whispered into his brother's ear, "It's like you're falling, and it's the best thing that has ever happened to you, and you could fall forever and know it'll never stop, never hurt."

"Stop!", Jasper yelled, arching his back, and they all felt his control waver, little flickers of pain and desperation and anger running through them.

"You need to feel it now, because if you don't, you'll regret it for the rest of your life, and when you see what you've done to her you'll hate yourself for keeping happiness from her when that was exactly what you were trying to prevent. Let it in. Let _her_ in."

Jasper made a strangled noise in the back of his throat and, feeling utterly helpless and very worried, Esme turned her head to look at Carlisle, who was watching his sons with a sad, compassionate expression. He noticed she was looking at him immediately and gave her a small but reassuring smile; feeling better, Esme turned to look at Jasper and Edward again, just right in time to see Jasper crumble.

"Stop," he whispered, and then his walls came crashing down. The next moment Jasper curled himself into a tiny ball, sobbing loudly, and the amount of pain and loneliness and yearning that rolled over them would have made Esme cry, were she physically able to. But then Carlisle was already there, embracing her from behind, pulling her into his chest, pressing himself into her back, holding her, them. Emmett was there a second later, seeking comfort as well, and she pulled her big boy into her arms.

On the floor in front of them Jasper was sobbing loudly with Edward curled above him, cradling him and whispering "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" on and on.

"She's so lonely," Edward whispered a lot later, when they all had calmed down. He was still curled around Jasper, whose arms were wrapped tightly around his chest and whose face was hidden in his collarbone. Esme was kneeling on the floor, Carlisle leaning into her from behind and Emmett curled around both of them, face pressed into her stomach while she ran her fingers through his hair. Edward continued. "You can't tell how much because she hides it from you, from everyone, but she is. Almost eight months ago she woke from a six months coma with no memories of her previous life, did you know that? Her family are strangers to her, and they aren't trying to change that. Her father is never there, her mother pretends she's still Mary and not Alice, and her sister doesn't care. She has no friends; she has nobody. And she's going to die."

"What?", Esme whispered, shock coursing through her. Edward turned his head to look at her and said sadly, "Two nights ago, she caught a glimpse of something… she has no idea how or when, but… it was her funeral. She dreamt it."

Esme watched Jasper's fingers curling into fists around Edward's shirt before he half-snarled, half-sobbed "Then why are you doing this?"

"Because nothing is certain!", Edward hissed back, frustrated. "Don't you realise? If things go on like they are now, she is going to die. But she has dreamt so many things already, and you can change something when you know it's going to happen. Her visions only tell the story of what's going to happen if things continue like this. You should know that; you were there when she changed the course of the future, prevented Marcus from seeing Esme. Do you think I want her to die? Of course not! But something needs to change, or she _will_."

"Why does it have to be this, me, that changes?", Jasper whispered.

"Because it's always been you," Edward said softly. "You were the first person she dreamt of. You are who she still dreams of most of the time. It's always been you, for her."

Nobody said anything more after that.


	13. Chapter Nine: I had my doubts

When Alice woke up that morning, the first thing that she did was yawn and reach for her mobile. She had seen herself call Edward only a few minutes ago and thus knew his number; while she waited for him to answer the call she let herself fall back onto her pillow, still yawning. She had no actual problems with mornings, but she often felt reluctant to wake up; the dreams would stop then, and a lot of them starred one Jasper Cullen. Right now, though, she almost didn't want to fall asleep for the pain it'd cause her to see him and know what he thought about her. _Silly human girl._

"Yes?"

"Ed-" yawn "-ward. Is me, Alice. Today the sun will shine."

"Really? When? The weatherman said it'd be cloudy."

"Yes, but-" yawn "-I'm so tired. I mean, shortly before lunch break sun will get a little breakthrough. Only for two to three hours, but still, sun. Unless you want to glitter like a Pokémon sticker—hey that rhymed!—I suggest you stay at home, or whatever it is you guys-" another yawn"-do whenever the weather is good. Nothing serious will happen; you'll manage to evade the sun well enough, but I think it was Rosalie who glittered for a moment. When I woke up Martin was still trying to decide whether he was nuts or if she really had been twinkling like a diamond, but I suppose that's serious enough already."

"…true. Thank you for calling. I don't need to ask how you got my number, do I?"

"Nah. Saw myself call you. But you can tell Rosalie that together with that wine-red top she was going to choose for today, her glittering looked very awesome. Really pretty. A lot better than a Pokémon sticker."

"I will." Edward sounded amused. "Alice?"

"Yeah?"

"Go back to sleep. It's five in the morning."

"…"

"…Alice. Sleep."

"…yeah. Bye."

"You aren't going to go back to sleeping, are you?"

She didn't reply.

"Have you not… had any dreams recently?"

"I don't know what I expected," she whispered. "It's not like I ever thought something was really going to happen. I don't know why it still…" hurts so much.

"Alice-"

"Nothing important. I mean. Nothing- nothing of significance. Seems like my inner eye is on a spree. I've seen a lot of my father and his girlfriend recently. I guess he's going to leave and move back to where she is. He's going to blame me and say that with me not being me anymore, the family wasn't the same anymore. My mother will… not take it kindly. Neither will my sister." She took a breath. "But that's all still very hazy, so that means he's only playing with the thought so far. It's not going to happen within the next few weeks."

"Can't you control at least slightly what you dream of?"

"Yes. The more urgent, the quicker I'll dream, the clearer the pictures and the stronger the dream. But I can evade… other things. I've been trying to. Always wakes me up, but that's better than… the other option. And." She paused. "I'm going to go back to sleep now. Night, Edward. Remember telling Rose about her top. It's really awesome." She disconnected before he could reply.

A few miles away, Edward put the phone down, threw one look at Jasper and asked "Rose, did you hear?"

Rosalie, a few rooms down, said "Yes."


	14. Chapter Ten: Forget the mortgage

The day following that Monday morning that Alice had called Edward to warn them about the sun, Alice sat in calculus and drew little pictures next to her notes. She didn't care much for calculus; she understood the basics, but the more complicated it got, the more lost she was. The night had been quiet; she had seen little flickers while the Cullens were trying to decide what to do to pay her back for saving Esme, but they hadn't decided anything yet when she had woken up, so she had no idea what they were planning. She had also had the usual amount of dreams about people she didn't care much about, and then there had been Jasper. For the first time since she had had that dream where he wanted to get over this short interlude where she interrupted their lives seven nights ago, she had allowed the pictures of him to come again. But even if she hadn't had wanted to, after catching the first glance, she wouldn't have been able to forcefully rip herself away from the image; he had been sitting in the dark, arms wrapped around his knees and face hidden. It wasn't the first time that she had seen him like that, and it probably wouldn't be the last, and she probably wouldn't ever be able to leave him alone in these moments, even though she wasn't even really there. But she had always thought that there should be at least someone who should be with him during those moments, even if he didn't know it; someone who witnessed his pain and who hurt with him. Someone who understood, even if he didn't want them to.

Though, of course, she still hoped that one day, somebody would really be with him, and she didn't care if it was her or somebody else; just somebody so he wouldn't be so alone anymore.

Alice was so sunken in her thoughts that she actually flinched when the bell indicating the end of the lesson rang. Blinking in surprise, she quickly stuffed her things into her bag and joined the other students milling out of the room, pondering what to do today. Somehow, she was starting to feel stifled; everything was too much, just too much. All the people she encountered had so many decisions and lives and she'd see all about them, and most of it wouldn't even be secret or important. Sometimes she dreamt about someone changing their toothpaste brand; it wasn't even funny anymore. At home she'd encounter loud silences and empty rooms.

She had to get out.

Alice decided that she was going to go shopping today.

When she got into her car after school, she realised it was the first time she really was going to go shopping; at the hospital, she had taken one look at Mary's clothes that her mother had brought—all black—and had asked her to go buy more colourful clothes. She had later ordered more herself through catalogues her mother had brought, but she had never really gone out to shop. Suddenly, she felt a lot better; like she was shedding a skin she had gotten uncomfortable in. It was the same feeling she had had after she had insisted on getting called Alice and not Mary; after she had put all of Mary's things into boxes and had put them in the cellar, after she had renovated Mary's room and repainted everything, including cupboards. And, of course, after she had gotten her family to move.

She'd never have thought that she'd need something like it after moving here where Jasper was but, alas, she did, and now she was looking forwards to it.

There was a big shopping centre in the next bigger city that was open 'til nine in the evening, and Alice spent a lot of money there. She had quickly decided that she was going to go for a totally new style; before, she had worn plain tops and shirts and jeans. From now on, she spontaneously decided after entering the most enchanting shop, she was going to go for a more feminine style. No pinks or flowery hearts; nothing girly, but she discovered that she rather liked the style of the sixties. She didn't have much of a waist to pull it off—she was rather flat and un-curvy—but that didn't matter. The long flowing skirts or dresses with printed-on poppies or simple stripe-patterns or polka-dots were totally unlike anything she had worn before and she simply _loved_ them. The clerk watched Alice's 'take'-pile with growing adoration; she became more and more friendly and offered her fitting belts or tops, even shoes. By the time Alice decided she was done, she had enough clothes to easily fill five big bags. The clerk was so happy she sent a trainee to carry Alice's bags for her and recommended a jewellery shop for fitting earrings and another for shoes that'd fit her new style. Of course she went there as well, but she didn't spend that much money there. By the time the shopping centre closed, Alice had spent more money than she had in the past eight months combined, but that was alright; her father hadn't given her a credit card with no reason. It was his (only) way of expressing his feelings for her; he had explicitly allowed her to spend as much money as she wanted. Naturally she was aware that he meant 'within reason' but so far she had mostly bought books or music, sometimes movies. He wouldn't disapprove of her.

She drove home feeling refreshed and energised, even though she was physically tired.


	15. Chapter Eleven: First thing that we did was hit the hill top

The morning following her shopping spree, Alice got up a little earlier than usual—simply because she couldn't sleep anymore—and put on her new clothes; a white, knee-long skirt with turquoise polka-dots and a turquoise button-down shirt with a round collar. She added a red belt, a red necklace, red earrings and red shoes, but shied from using any makeup; Mary had used massive amounts of eyeliner and black eyeshade, and thus Alice had always refrained from using anything. She was aware that she shouldn't let her former self influence her like that, but she couldn't help it, and she didn't feel like using makeup anyway. If she had really wanted to, she wouldn't have let Mary stop her.

In a ridiculously good mood, she drove to school; even the strange dreams she had had couldn't tune out the shopping-high she was on. For the first time in her life, she actually felt good-looking; she hadn't paid much attention to her looks before apart from being aware she wasn't ugly, and now she felt that she should have. Wearing pretty clothes obviously made her feel good even when her life didn't; she should make use of that more often.

The whole day, Alice went through school all but humming, almost skipping from class to class; she noticed the appreciative looks she got and thanked those who met her eyes with a smile. When she collected the Cullens' desserts, Emmett whistled appreciatively, a playful twinkle in his eyes; Rosalie looked her up and down and commented "nice style". With a beaming "Thank you!", she really skipped back to her usual seat. She didn't notice the way Jasper's eyes lingered on her back, almost-frowning, and she didn't hear Bella's quiet "she's so cute!" either, but before English, the only class she had with any Cullen that day, Edward passed her by and said "You look really beautiful."

Alice beamed at him and thanked him in her thoughts, for the first time in a long time feeling truly happy.

Jasper didn't know what to do, what to think, and Alice with her new clothes didn't make it any easier; quite the opposite, really.

Ever since Edward had confronted him, he had had a hard time. There were two sides battling in him; the selfish one that just wanted Alice, and the more selfless one that he dubbed 'the voice of reason'.

He couldn't start anything with Alice, he couldn't let her in. That she was already in wasn't important; she was human. Being with him would only cause her pain, one way or another. Either she'd suffer because he couldn't age while she could, or because they could never lead an equal relationship simply because of the vampire-human difference; then there was the fact that Jasper and his family could never stay in once place long enough. Also, they'd never be able to have children, and besides, what if she injured herself? He still wasn't too good with controlling himself, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to reign himself in if she started to bleed—even if she didn't, if he was just hungry and she was just there.

And he certainly couldn't change her. The mere thought made him shudder; she was an innocent human, he certainly wouldn't condemn her to spend eternity with someone as damaged as him.

If she even wanted to, that is. Edward had made him admit the truth—admit to his own feelings that he had been trying to hide especially from himself—but that didn't make them an item yet, certainly not. He had no idea how this was supposed to work, what Edward wanted him to do, why Edward had done that; he had been faring fairly well without the knowledge that it really was love he felt for her. And he didn't even really know her! She was just the strangely cheerful, strangely lonely girl that knew of them and wasn't afraid, that risked her life for one of them without a second thought.

But really, her new style made it only harder for him to try to stay gentlemanly; the skirt made him want to twirl her, to watch her dance. That was all Bella's fault; she had a thing for swing dancing and had insisted he learn because- well, because. Everyone made a point of including him in some activity; Edward played piano with him, Rosalie repaired cars, Emmett wrestled, and Carlisle and Esme were simply there, always. Esme was the one who'd mostly hug him; he got no sympathy or pity from her like from the others; simply love. The same with Carlisle, who he'd often just sit with and read, because there was a calmness about him that was incredibly relaxing. With all his 'siblings' it was more or less apparent they felt bad for him because he hadn't found his mate yet—and that unspoken 'yet' was always there even though Jasper really didn't think there was anyone out there for someone like him—but Esme and Carlisle acted like it didn't matter, like he was a complete person able to be happy without someone with him all the time. He loved his whole family dearly, sure, but the most relaxed he only felt with his 'parents'. They were also the ones who hadn't really met Alice, except for that brief interval during Aro's visit and then they certainly had other things to worry about, and thus they had no opinion about whether he should admit Alice into his 'life' or not. Emmett, unsurprisingly, was the one who was most neutral; he really liked her and found her cute, but that didn't mean they had to make her a Cullen, as far as he was concerned. Rosalie and Bella had ganged up and were of the opinion that she was cute and would be perfect for Jasper—on what they based that opinion he didn't know, seeing as they didn't know that much about her to begin with—and Edward was her strongest supporter, for whatever reason.

He had also given Jasper the most trouble, not because he could read his thoughts but because he had been all but glowering at him ever since their confrontation on Saturday, when he had failed to make a rash decision. Jasper almost liked their situation before that fateful day better, when Edward had mostly ignored him, shielded by Bella.

But in the end, Jasper just couldn't do anything. According to Edward she hadn't had that dream anymore, and that meant whatever had changed had changed for the better. She was safe, and she certainly deserved to stay so, and that meant there wouldn't be any relationship between them.

Jasper leant back and ignored Edward's growl.


	16. Interlude: Death Dealer's Descent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired by Renholder's same-titled song.

_The woman smiled. She was beautiful and terrifying; long, black hair, fair skin, curvy hips; red eyes, merciless, sadistic smile._

 _"Poor little girl," she cooed. "It was almost like you were waiting for me—but you were, weren't you?"_

 _Alice nodded. There was no use trying to hide her terror; the woman knew she was scared to death, but at least she wanted to keep a little bit of her dignity._

 _The woman stepped closer, all wide-eyed curiosity, talking to her like they were sitting over a cup of tea and not in the cellar of an abandoned house. She grabbed Alice's face and tilted her upwards. "Sweetie, you better answer my questions to my satisfaction or I'll make this so much harder on you. Now, where were we? Oh yes, how come you expected me? You sent your family away as well, I noticed. Why?"_

 _"I saw it in a dream. I knew what you would have done to them had they been there, and so I sent them away."_

 _"Then why oh why didn't you leave as well? Why didn't you hide in some tiny hole or, even better, your beloved boyfriend's arms?" The woman's grip turned so painful Alice knew she would bruise, but at least she didn't break her jaw. Yet._

 _"Because if you hadn't found me, you would have waited for my family and bitten all of them. Then you would have left them for the police to find, with enough hints pointing to the Cullens." Alice took a deep breath. "You want to make them, Jasper, suffer. And I figured it'd be better for everyone involved if you'd get your revenge the quickest and easiest way; through me."_

 _"Why, really." The woman let go of her and stepped back, a thoughtful expression on her face. "I suppose I would have done that; what do I have to lose now that the Volturi took everything from me?" She tilted her head and focused on Alice again. "You're a rather smart girl, that you are. Maybe I'm going to keep you." She sighed-"Then again, maybe I'm not."-and lunged for Alice's throat; the last thing she felt was the agony that she felt as the woman threw her to the ground, simultaneously breaking her arms and ribs, one knee smashing into her stomach, as well as the teeth that buried in her neck._

Alice woke up.

She wanted to scream, but what for?

She wanted to cry, but what for?

She wanted to call Edward and ask him for help, ask for protection; protection she knew she'd get, but she had seen what giving that protection would mean for the Cullens.

So all she could do was lie back and think about what she wanted to do, now that she knew she was going to die tomorrow.


	17. Chapter Twelve: Be the hand I hold at night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired from the song "If Everything Fell Quiet" by The Reindeer Section.

When Jasper got out of the gym hall and slowly made his way towards the secretary, having just excused himself with feeling ill (and, being as pale as he was, that wasn't too hard), a soft wind carried Alice's smell towards him. Pausing, he wondered why she was outside when she was supposed to be in class; he didn't even make the conscious decision to seek her out, but didn't stop himself when he realised that he was walking towards her.

She was behind the science tract, where there were no windows, and looked into the forest that wasn't far from there. There was a sweet sadness in her and a regret so deep he had no idea what to make out of it. There were other emotions as well, but they were too intertwined with each other for him to discern them; he just knew it made him feel melancholic and yearning at the same time.

He was still too far away for her to be able to hear him, but, as if she had been expecting him, she turned her head and watched him approach.

"It's a nice day," she said. Jasper looked up into the dark sky and thought that it was going to rain before the lesson was over.

"If you say so," he replied. For a while they just stood in front of each other, Jasper trying to figure out what was up with her and her emotions and Alice seeming to be looking for something—he had no idea what. Or maybe… she took a step closer and the feeling strengthened, and Jasper knew he was right—she wasn't looking for something; it was more like she had already found it and was now trying to memorise it. It was highly puzzling.

"Jasper," she said and offered her hand like she was expecting him to kiss it; very confused and more from impulse than anything else, Jasper took it, but refrained from kissing it. He had only just the night before gone to hunt so the danger of him biting her was almost minimal, but he didn't want to take that special risk.

"Will you give me this dance?", Alice asked and looked up at him, face open. There was no expectation in her, no hesitation and no fear; she apparently knew the answer already. Now he was sure she had dreamt about this already and saw no reason to refuse; she wasn't in much danger and she seemed to know this. The whole situation still felt slightly unreal and was pretty confusing, but why the hell not?

So Jasper took her left hand and placed it on his upper arm—she was too short to be comfortable with reaching for his shoulder—and put his own hand below her left shoulder blade so she'd be comfortably supported, pulling her closer in the process.

And then, they danced.

The ground wasn't too flat so he had to be careful she wouldn't stumble; they pretty much only swayed back and forth, but the turmoil in Alice calmed down—without Jasper doing anything. She relaxed gradually, the usual cheerfulness that was in her slowly returning; not to full strength but until it pulsed softly through both of them. And something else in her grew as well; something he had caught glimpses of many times before in her, but this time she didn't immediately suppress it. Instead, she let it grow, and Jasper realised not without confusion that he knew that feeling; it was deeply embed in his family, in Edward and Bella, in Emmett and Rosalie, in Carlisle and Esme… when he finally realised the name of the feeling and what it meant that Alice was feeling it right now, in this situation, Jasper impulsively let go of her and stumbled back, blinking in shock.

Alice let her arms sink down, her sad smile underlining the sadness that rose in her, and said "Thank you." Then she turned around and walked the way Jasper had come. At the corner of the building, just when she was about to vanish from his sight, she turned her head to take one last look at him, and then she was gone.

Jasper stood there for hours, trying to figure out what the hell had happened and what was going on—what was up with her, and what was he supposed to do now? He didn't understand anything anymore, least of all himself.

When Edward found him, he didn't say anything. He just put one hand on his shoulder and led him home.


	18. Chapter Thirteen: It all ends somewhere

Jasper's mobile started ringing, which wasn't that unusual if it weren't for the fact that all members of the Cullen family were currently at the house and could hear both the ringing up in his room and probably even who it was if he admitted the call.

Currently, Jasper was in the "living room", where Edward's piano stood; Edward was playing and almost all of them were there, except for Esme who was in the next room, painting. The door was closed between her and the rest of the family for the fumes of the paint weren't too pleasing to the sensitive nose of a vampire, besides she could hear everything perfectly fine through door and wall anyway.

Edward paused in his playing and looked over at Jasper, who blinked and then sped upstairs to his room to pick up his phone. Supposing it would be someone for the whole family—like that time when Alice had called Edward; Edward's phone had recently been shattered by an overenthusiastic Emmett and not replaced yet so it was possible she'd call him instead—he sped back into the living room before pressing the green button.

The screaming that immediately filled the room had everyone freeze; it was a voice they all knew, but never had any of them heard Alice scream like that, loud and never-ending. The next second, Esme was in the room, but nobody complained about the smells that wafted over from the kitchen.

"Jasper, darling!", another sickly sweet voice came from the telephone, and Jasper almost crushed it in the rush of rage that washed over him when he realised who it was.

"Maria," he snarled.

"I've got something that belongs to you, hun—but I suppose you guessed as much already, didn't you?", she chuckled. "She really is a screamer, isn't she? But then again, they all are."

She let them listen to the screaming for a second, taking pleasure, Jasper knew, in the agony that was in Alice's voice. He was just about to snap—hearing her scream like that shook him to the core, despite the fact that he wasn't so unused to screaming—when Maria spoke again, fake, innocent wonder in her voice. "I'm wondering whether I should snap her neck the second before her heart stops beating, or if I should let her become one of us and integrate her in my army, what would you say, Jasper? She's so small she wouldn't be of much use as a fighter, but she could do a fine job in luring new ones in, couldn't she?" She laughed, and there was real amusement in her voice. "Maybe I could give her to Carl as a reward, he has been very helpful, haven't you, Carl?" They heard a deep chuckle in the background. Jasper could barely keep his composure; he wanted to hurt her, by god, he wanted to rip Maria to pieces and let her suffer for all eternity for what she was doing to Alice.

Edward saved him from possibly making it worse by taking the phone from him, growling "What do you want?"

Maria was silent for a second. "Oh, you must be Edward, aren't you? Such a pleasure to finally get a voice to the face. What I want? Why, that's easy. For you to suffer, sweetie, all of you."

"Why?"

She sighed. "For sending the Volturi after me, of course. And of course, I want Jasper to suffer the most for leaving me, which is why I took his little human mistress and nobody else. Jasper, dear, don't you hate me now? Do you want to tear me into shreds?"

Jasper growled, flexing his fingers, and spat "What do you want?"

Maria laughed. "Thought so. And I already told you what I want, didn't I? But oh, you mean what I want you to do so you can get her back? Then I fear you are under a misapprehension, dear. Whatever made you think you can get her back? I'm gonna keep her and listen to her pretty screams for some more, and if Carl—he's a real sadist, you know—wants her, then I suppose I'll give her to him. If you want to keep the connection, that's fine; her agony is so pretty I'd feel selfish if I kept it to myself." She laughed again. "And I didn't even tell you the best yet, did I? When I came to pick her up, she was waiting for me. Do you think her gift will get stronger once she's finished? It could be of so much use for me—of course, as a vampire, she can't sleep anymore; it's possible her sight would vanish with her humanity. But in that case, Carl has already plans for her, so she won't go to waste. Not so quickly, anyway. Oh, you're wondering why she didn't turn to you for help, aren't you?" Her tinkering laugh that made Jasper's skin crawl. "I asked her, and she was under the impression that if she did, you keeping her safe would cause me to have dinner in your little rainy paradise, and the consequences would be downright dire, the silly child said." Maria sighed. "But tasty she was. Well, I am a little busy right now so I can't keep chatting with you, but Carl will be a good boy and put the phone right next to her so you can enjoy her agony as much as I will. Ta!"

The screaming got louder as she brought the phone closer to Alice.


	19. Chapter Fourteen: Come on over to the dark side

"Call Aro?", Rosalie repeated. Edward had just voiced that someone's, probably Carlisle's, thought; they were trying to find a way to save Alice, but they were all more or less irritated and twitchy. Jasper was very, very angry right now and leaked. Usually he was good in keeping his shields intact, but right now, he certainly wasn't. Right after Edward had quit the call, he had almost flipped; Carlisle and Esme had had to hold him down and try to calm him. Rosalie herself hadn't been opposed to running off and destroying something, preferably that Maria chick, either, but now that she was more rational she knew that wouldn't achieve much.

Edward was right; they had to try to be rational and sensible and plan carefully. Maria hadn't given them any indication as to where she was, and according to Jasper (after he was more coherent), there was no place that really meant something—or rather, there were so many places that Maria had lived in and that Jasper knew of it'd take them more than two weeks to check them all. And Maria didn't want to be found; it was highly possible that Jasper didn't know the place she had brought Alice to at all, and then they'd be off as they were now: with no idea where to look, and it'd be long too late anyway. So, calling Aro would probably be the only sensible thing they could do. It certainly seemed like Aro liked Alice wel enough, and whatever he'd want back in exchange for his help would maybe be not so bad.

So Edward went to the computer and googled for the telephone book of Volterra.


	20. An Epilogue: The Heart asks for Pleasure first

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired by the same-titled song by Michael Nyman.

Everything was so loud. She heard so much, so many noises she had never even known existed; she heard the worms in the wooden floors above her, heard other tiny insects crawling, like bugs and spiders. She heard the wind outside, rustling through the leafs of the trees; it was her first indication that she was in a forest. In a house in a forest.

She heard breathing.

When she opened her eyes, the first thing she saw was silver gold. Golden hair, golden eyes, milky skin with silver marks on it.

"Alice," the being said and reached for her, put his hand on her cheek.

Alice took a breath, spent a moment registering that it was her first since she had woken up, and whispered "Jasper."

He smiled.


	21. Fistful of Love Special: a deleted scene for Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It didn't fit into the flow of the story in my opinion, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.

The day after the sun-incident that didn't happen—a Tuesday— during calculus Bella, instead of sitting with Edward as she always did, chose the empty seat next to Alice in the back of the class. "Hey," she said and Alice blinked.

"I didn't dream this," she replied.

Bella grinned. "Good. We were trying to time it so you wouldn't. What did you dream?"

Shrugging, Alice leant back in her chair and closed her eyes. "A lot, as usual. Trivial stuff. My mother is starting to ponder what to give me for my birthday. She hasn't decided yet, which gives me hope, for her choices aren't too awesome so far. Lots of black and loud music."

"Hm." Bella tilted her head. "So your birthday is coming up? When?"

"About two months from now. So far my dreams say my father is going to forget and my sister won't give me anything out of spite. She really didn't like Mary."

Bella was quiet for a moment before she asked softly, thoughtfully; "You really aren't too well at the moment, are you?"

"It's just a phase. It will pass." Except it wouldn't; Alice knew it, therefore Edward knew it, and he would tell Bella so she'd know as well.

Not that Bella needed to be told; her doubtful silence was loud enough. She didn't say anything, though, before their teacher came in and afterwards, they had to be quiet. Alice thought that matter was done with until Bella pushed a paper towards her, on which she had written: "When I found Edward, I was still human as well. We met at school, and things were troublesome at first; my blood smelled a thousand times better to him than normal human blood. It's called Cua Tantate and it means that he had a really hard time trying to resist me. It was all very confusing for me at first; one moment he'd be friendly, the next he'd act as if I was vile and I had no idea what was going on. In the end a friend of mine told me one of the legends of his ancestors, the Quileute, about the Cold Ones. That's how I found out about who and what he was and, in the end, we got together. I was still human then and he insisted I stay human, that I age like any other girl, while I really, really wanted him to change me. I even threatened to ask Carlisle to do it instead once. Then, after an incident where I got almost bitten by Jasper because I accidentally cut myself with paper in his presence, Edward thought it'd be better for everyone involved—which means in Edward-speak, me—if he left. He withdrew everything that might remind me of him from my life and then he was gone. I was… devastated, to say the least. I acted like a zombie, only doing what people expected of me and even the thought of him would physically hurt me; it was like an open hole was tearing at my chest whenever somebody even mentioned his name. Then, I got sick; influenza. I was almost dead already when Carlisle accidentally found out. He immediately came and changed me, but it took me months to get over everything—that he left me and, afterwards, that he really did want me and not simply because now, as a vampire, I was beautiful. And it took him years to get over his guilt for abandoning me to death, as he put it.

My point is, it never passes. The pain will never leave. But if you don't acknowledge it you will become what I was; a zombie, somebody who is alive, but not living. I know now how self-centred I was; many girls are left by their boyfriends, and it's always painful. But by pretending he had never existed I only made it worse. I worried those around me and I'll never forgive myself that the last few months they had with me were spent in worry.

I know your situation is different, because he never told you he loves you, because there never was anything between you. I don't mean to rub salt in the wound but, Alice, you have to allow yourself to grieve or the pain will get worse."

Very carefully, Alice put the paper down and raised her hand.

"Yes, Mrs Brandon? Are there any questions?"

"No. May I go outside for a bit? I don't feel too well."

Their teacher took one look at her face and nodded, making a shooing motion with his hands.

Alice got up and calmly walked out of class, out of school to where her car was parked. She got in, curled herself around her knees and cried.


End file.
